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Sunday
Mar222015

How to Make a Housewife (for Husbands)

How to Make a Housewife (for Husbands) by April Rowen

Please Note: This post was prompted from seeing discouraging posts online-- spouses complaining about each other, taking each other out. This one is for husbands, next one is for us wives. Thank you, Peter, for helping me become a happy housewife. Here's what he didn't do, except for the end. <3

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"Be to her virtues very kind,
Be to her faults a little blind." -- Matthew Prior

A wife is a delicate creature. Yes, she may or may not look delicate on the outside, and might make the best Moose call this side of the planet, but trust me -- she's delicate.

Like a chocolate. All tough on the outside and deliciously gooey on the inside.

It's not uncommon for the comments to droll and the jokes to be cracked when talking about said housewife. "Well... her cooking might please an army of Klingons, but..." And "Her cleaning is awesome. I still don't know where the kids are. At least there's a cleaned path through the house."

And wife hears these words.

So she breaks out The Joy of Cooking, Volume 1, and makes a little something special. For the first time everything that's supposed to be soft, is, and everything that's supposed to be hard, is, and not one single thing is burnt. It's a Hallmark Day. 

And you really, really, really weren't in the mood for meatloaf and tuna with asparagus, sans ketchup. You just weren't. So you offhandedly mention that, "Haha..." while trying to choke down her first perfectly-cooked meal.

And a wife notices your lack of enthusiasm.

So she once-and-for-all unburies the kids from the rubble in the house and does something about the dust, the mold, the fumes, the dirty diaper pail, the overflowing kitty litter, the Mt. Doom of laundry, the scary toilets that are about to eat people, and even the dishes. 

This time you can't find the car keys and that really important sticky-note. The house smells like ammonia. And the housewife looks like everything that she cleaned threw up on her. She smells like ammonia. Or vinegar. Maybe dinner.

And a wife sees your frustration.

So she attempts to look amazing. She gets her hair done, her nails done, buys 6 new outfits, 3 new pairs of shoes, a few matching accessories, throws a few makeup parties for free products, and spends as much time as she can scrape in the mornings putting herself together. She even thinks about becoming a consultant.

And you see how expensive it all is. Truly, it costs about half your monthly mortgage. This is shocking and dangerous and what can you possibly say? Plus, her lipstick is now faded and she looks like she outlined her lips with toddlers purple marker, her mascara has melted, and her once-shiny hair is now a complete frizz as it frantically tries to escape your scrutiny. The new clothes now sport all kinds of pretty stains and she is unhappy with them and her life in general. You reasonably sigh.

And she completely gives up. On goes the TV, out comes the chocolate (and the chocolate song), and dialed is the phone as the pizza guy once again shows up and you enjoy dinner, once again, in tornado house.

How To Make a Housewife

Praise her in the morning...

Praise her in the evening...

Praise her when the sun goes down...

And praise her even when she's not around.

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